After many wasted years of torment, yearning and suffering I at long last met the one and only love of my life in November of 2010. We have been officially together since the 16th of January 2011, yet deep within my essence I know Danyella has always been with me, even as I have ever been kindling within her heart: for such is the mysterious path of Starmates...



Through the years and the changing seasons, we both walked the path of our choices and circumstances; yet it was only after becoming familiar on a conscious level, that we realized 'ALL paths lead unto each other'...for such is OUR fate, eternal blessing and destiny...



"'Neath the moonlit heavens your voice resounds in
the darkness beckoning me unto your embrace...I gaze
affectionately into your eyes as we sense the
energies of our souls merging into a single
flame...My desire is to hold, kiss and fuck you in
the stillness of the night as we lie naked and close
engulfed in the affinity of our dark emotions. In a
fiery ecstasy we touch, taste and ravage each
other...we ravage each other till naught
remains...save the sound of 'our heart' beating in
the silent darkness...till naught remains but my fervent
desire for you...my now insatiable desire to know you..."
('A Lunacidal Expression of my Nothingness'-For Danyella Nov. 2010)





Mysteries unspoken invigorate this Essence as I contemplate the depth, magick, brilliance and singular uniqueness of this joint completeness of my heart: my perfect and only puzzle piece and fire conjoined; essence unto essence...




Unbeknownst~Fire~Essence~Fate~ Eternity
~All is One Mystery~



"In the still of the night, two hearts merge into a single essence
Bonded in darkness, our lips at last meet, 'neith a starlit sky
Our energy, our Love, leads us unto a fiery union
United in soul and flesh, a single flame burns as our hearts beat side by side
Our mouths intertwine, as our hands explore each others nude sexy flesh
Licking, penetrating, exploring and tasting each other
My cock throbs as I feel your cunt grow ever wet round my fingers
Love, lust and an insatiable flame sear our hearts, souls and loins as we lose control
As we fuck each other like animals
As we love each other as husband and wife to be
Till at long last our fluids and flesh join, even as our hearts are and ever will burn as one..."
('For Danyella on Our 5 Month Anniversary'...June 2011)







I love you my penguin wife, best friend, starmate, dark twin sister, entire universe and woman beyond my most desirous of dreams!!!



"The poet's pen is unsteady as her pale hand trembles, so inspired & consumed by her perfect muse...
She has been recently stricken mute by the myriad of visions that spiral deep within the mysteries of her soul~
So many vast & various images dance like drunk shadows amongst the background~lit by a single flame!
Corners of red~petaled lips turn upwards slightly in an all knowing smile...
A white flicker~flash of fang, the silver shimmer of a razor upon pale, supple flesh...
Such a burning of loins and the sacred flow of liquids beneath & hidden under the scarlet velvet...
Firming expressions of the most intimate kind~ tingling warm sensations growing hard...
Two souls, separated by circumstance: Kindred~howling into the depth of the opaque night...
Searing heat of the desert, the vultures spiral above the corpses, almost bone, below them...
Once whole, thought forever fragmented~ the coyotes have scattered the shards of the mirror...
The shattered glass shimmers, partial reflections now cast~kissed in the morning's dew...
Skeletal branches of the gilded bark of sacred willows weeping reach Heavenward!
Crystalline fairy wings fluttering here and there from mushroomed covered moss...
A lone doe tramples carefully, cautiously~ hooves crackling the Autumn leaves...
Ancient voices whispering upon the cold, piercing winds...
The Angels smile at all of this, for an eternal unification has now come to pass...
Suffering shall cease as the dual pulse become one heartbeat!
Down the twisted path of a past, forever haunting, struggled two tortured creatures...
Both, at times, seemingly forsaken, have screamed til the voice quelled...
To utterly cease to exist was the mission~failure reigned with frightened focus...
Altered states of consciousness~taunting hallucinations, involuntary movements...
Twisting, turning~ praying to get out~ heckled by the demonic!
Brutally beaten and scarred~ eyes flowing crimson tears...
A one~way street down a dead end road we traveled~ separate & hopeless.
Time seems to shape~shift as the painful journeys come to an end..."
('A Heartfelt Sentiment' written for me by my amazing fiancee Danyella)




"How happy is the human soul, not enslaved by dull control...
Left to dream and roam and play, shed the guilt of former days..."
(Bruce Dickinson's 'Chemical Wedding')





Our 1st meeting in the flesh occurred in the latest of June/the earliest of July 2011; whence we shared many an adventure: graveyards, deep and open conversation, passionate fucking, sharing drinks in the midst of mysterious time warps and endless affection...



My entire being burns for you Danyella, even as my loins yearn for you; my mind and spirit are ablaze with the reality of US as my cock throbs to the melting you instill within my heart!!!



From 'Nothingness' Unto OUR Eternity...:





"When tomorrow is never again yesterday all shall remember
the future enshrouded in the oblivion of our blackened
stare...
the hopelessness of past nightmares...
the future: unknown yet blazing in our fiery hearts...
'sanity' yet still plagues the simple, the blind, the
ponderous...
'why' is but reflective of a puppetive naivity...
unbridled, we dance and play, ever ascending towards a
sphere yet penetrated, yet eternally familiar...
life, hopes, dreams rising ever deeper on this night: a
violating essence of spewing fire...
unfurbished recollections now consume as the masses sit
'thumb in ass'; ever mumbling 'I don't understand'..."




------------------------------

I've Always Felt Deep Tranquility in the Midst of Cold Stone; the End of All that We Now Know: the Gateway unto Eternity...



"I awoke and stumbled into the consuming blackness, searching for I know not what...
My path was distant from my mind's eye
Yet distant fading memories oppressed my soul
Until by some witchery a corpse was led into the night: the
woeful night of what had always been, yet had never been
known...
The utmost despair was but a collective distinction of this
morbid frame...
Stricken as it were with the remnants of ancient bloody sighs;
deformed suicidal gnomes hang lifeless from above: shadows
of a forgotten glee...
Vision twisting and fading into the depths of this thrice
wretched void
I long to bathe in the pale moonlight
Nigh unto the one who lies in the shadow of darkened earth
Black tranquility reigns over this silhouette most
melancholy..."



"All alone, the silence reigns and what else could?
Cause all is now dead to me..."




'That is not dead, which can eternal lie, for with strange aeons even death shall die'...(H.P. LoveCraft)








"Alone an old man stares blankly beyond a world once recognized...
shattered is his heart, bereft and sad, his gaze pierces existence...
Memories torment as neglected feelings bleed yet still...
Silent are his screams for oblivion now beckons-a conscious choice...
Drained and utterly consumed, his tears water dirt as they once moistened his mothers cunt-the most hateful of all days..."













"Bound for nightfall I bewail my final lament...
All has begun and nothing remains-full of dement I claw at
black earth...
Iconic stone fills my gaze as my tears water dirt...
Sunrise shall never again meet my stare..."





"Whispers of falling autumn leaves
Resound in the blackness of this eternal night
Forgotten, alone and dead I lie-iconic vision of the 'glory' of
our failed human existence
Night passes into NIGHT as legions of demons lay claim
Angels weep for eternity now beckons
Imprinted upon my nous* for the endless ages rests the
'smile of the hanged man'-a hope in suicide gone amiss
Forgotten is the child of old-slain by the hand of he who was
never meant to be
Amongst the whispers of dead autumn leaves is discerned a
now silent voice-
"I would have lovingly forgiven you, I wanted to, I NEEDED to...
yet now I hate you!!! I hate you!!! I hate you!!!".............
I and the child are one
And together shall we weep
Forever shall we weep
I hate myself:(:(:(..."



Me as a child in Alaska; my birthplace:



------------------------------

My Spiritual World View:

In the Beginning Humankind was Created the Pinnacle of All Creation. United to the Triune God, we were 'gods' through Union with Uncreated Energy. Then Adam and Eve disobeyed God and Prematurely Ate of the Fruit of the Tree of Knowledge. On That dreadful Day they and their Descendants Died Spiritually: Our Union with God was Broken and We were Exiled Unto this World of Shadows and Torment...



Thousands Of Years Later, Out of Love for the Suffering Human Race, the 2nd Person of the Holy Trinity became a Man Jesus, while remaining Fully God. In His Person, the Human Nature was Once again United unto the Divine; Offering This Union Once again unto All Who Choose to Accept It through faith and union with His one Body-the Orthodox Church. He Suffered and Died, So that We may Live Eternally, as We Were Created To. After Death in the Flesh, He descended Unto Hades and Freed The Souls of the Holy Ones Chained There. Following upon this Jesus resurrected and ascended into Heaven; soon to return once again to judge the living and the dead. My Hope is I and All Shall Flourish in This Union Now and After the Dreaded 2nd Coming and Judgement.



Exorcism Video:







And so in 1917, with the Murder and Martyrdom of the Romanov Family, the End of All Began: the Final Crucifixion of Christ...



Mar Saba Monastery (Judea):



Είθε ο Θεός να μας συγχω ρήσου ν, γιατί δεν γνωρί ζουν τι κάνου με...όμως αμφιβ άλλω ότι θα είναι για δεν έχουμ ε πλέον Φροντ ίδας

------------------------------

"Deformed Suicidal Gnomes Hang Lifeless From Above: Shadows of a Forgotten Glee..."





The below Gnomish collage was a heartfelt received gift from my darling Danyella (haha she knows me well!!!):







"A gnome once stumbled upon a pit with cold stone at its head: an empty tomb. He gazed intently into the dark hole of earth and saw nothing. Sick with disgust: of the lies, misery and suffering of his unwanted existence, he desired to hurl his corpse within. It was then that a voice was heard in the nothingness, its dismal tidings were: 'all you shall find in this pit, is what you take with you'. The gnome then realized he couldn't escape himself, so he sat and sat and sat by his pit waiting for death to release him. He learned to utterly shut down and to hate everyone. He was happier like this for he lost himself and suffered no one to approach or know him. He had learned better and he died...."



------------------------------

Obsessed With Cold Stone: Tombs, Castles, Ruins, Gargoyles etc...











Pictures of and pertaining unto 'The Bloody Countess' Elizabeth Bathory:





------------------------------

My Current Piercings and Tattoos (2012):



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Music Has Long Sustained Me, causing me to Delve Deep Within; Especially When Drowning in the Dismal Waves of Melancholia and Despair...

Favorite Music (aka shit I listen to at least somewhat
regularly):

Iron Maiden
King Diamond
Mercyful Fate
Helloween
GraveFlowers
Wintersun
Bruce Dickinson
Illnath
Judas Priest
Arch Enemy
Dark Tranquility
Overkill
Queensryche
Manowar
Twisted Sister
All That Remains
Old Ozzy
Artesia
Blackthorn (Russia)
System of a Down
Guns n Roses
Motley Crue
Old Metallica
Within Temptation
In Flames
Testament
Suicidal Tendencies
Darkness Before Dawn
Smashing Pumpkins
Megadeth
Cranberries
Old Slayer
The Cure
Mazzy Star
Autumn's Grey Solace
Ministry
Sisters of Mercy
Korn
London After Midnight
Sister Machinegun
Gary Numan
She Wants Revenge
Lisa Gerrard
Deftones
Cat Stevens
My Dying Bride
Pantera
Swans
Interpol
Peter Murphy
Depeche Mode
Anders Manga
Ordo Rosarius Equilibrio
Joy Division
Vast
Placebo
Marilyn Manson
In Slaughter Natives

---------------------





"Melancholy, I sit under a dead tree, yearning to feel the pale
moonlight
My grave lies but a slice away-carved deep with the tears of
this lie
Silent echoes resound in the night: reminiscent of dark
ancient screams
Black blood flows as tears from my eyes-draining my soul of
its life force
The light doesn't dwell in the deepest black where the dark
flame painfully burns
The smiles of the willingly dead assail my eyes, yet they
appear putrid and shaking from fear
Under this moonless sky, I dwell in hopelessness
Consumed by the empty void of this insanity that some dare
to call life..."

Depressive Suicidal Black Metal Music (D.S.B.M):

Abigail Williams
Cold World
Vargnatt
Shining
Sortsind
Sun of the Sleepless
Eternal Night
Exiled From Light
Funeral
Wedard
Nortt
Xasthur
Make a Change...Kill Yourself
October Falls
I Shalt Become
Happy Days
Forgotten Tomb
Drowning the Light
Cry of Silence
Austere
All the Cold
Thy Light
Nocturnal Depression
Astral Melancholy
An Autumn For Crippled Children
Nihilistic Misanthropy
Force Fed Life
Anlipnes
From the Sunset, Forest and Grief
Valefor










"The goal has since the very beginning been quite clear, don’t you think? The main purpose of Shining is being a weapon targeted directly at the listener, extracting and glorifying negativity in all its perverse forms. Shining is not, as many tend to believe, a mere suicide-ridden concept though I use both suicidal and self-destructive ideals in terms of force-feeding our fans, who gladly swallow thus, in the end creating a chain reaction where people hurt themselves and others. You can never get close enough as there are always more and more people coming that are open, ready if you will, to taste the bitter fruits of darkness..."
(From a Interview with Kvarforth of Shining)





"Self inflicted torture is an inquisition most beckoning...
For alone in a drift-less void, the elements fade: a final retreat unto knowledge, unto silence and nothingness...
Within this merger of once dispersed energy
is realized the most harrowing of torments: a dead nostalgia of bloody sighs...
hope compels realization, yet madness violently hinders perception
what remains is choice: a mirage...
what compels is death: not an end...
what is true is lies..."



"Reality is now synonymous with an absence of the accused...
that hypocritical abomination is deemed worthy of ceaseless razor slits, for it must bleed and die...
maliciously and eternally slain so many may live...
so I can breathe the dark stench of reality as it truly is and forever shall be..."





After everything...It still doesn't matter...
After all of my sacrifices...It still doesn't change...
Time just repeats itself...
Or At least it feels like it...
You can try to make things perfect...
But you're better off climbing the endless staircase...
Things that are meant to be broken...can never be fixed...
The more time you waste...the more it hurts...
But instead you keep going...
The in-denial stage can be very powerful...
As powerful as any drug that causes conflict to the mind...
It's finally over...
Nothing left to live for...
Staring at the pool of razorblades...
As it invites you more and more towards it...
The Suffering has only just begun...
(Happy Day's 'Drowning in Razorblades')





------------------------------

The Utter Randomness of All That is Me; of All Which is Khaotic:

A Troll 'neath his Bridge (me in 2007?):



A View From the Clifftops of Worthington State Park, New Jersey:



Sunfish Pond, Worthington State Park, New Jersey (a rare highly acidic body of water):



GingerBread Castle, Sussex County New Jersey (one of my oldest childhood memories):



The Bridges I used to Jump Off of as a Teenager in Manville, New Jersey (water is off to the left):



Howe Caverns, New York (a place Ive often visited throughout my life):















"For yet dead light flourishes: my ceaseless torture; an emanation of filth flung saun shattered voids...
Imprisoned within blood drenched snow (the imprecation of melancholia): a soul, my child writhes as flames sear within...
Yet warmth has utterly forsaken this one consumed by sadness...
Cold dead stars now circle from the without: viciously focused on strangulation, the death of myself..."



"Spark, perception...a final recollection
plummet unto the unknown
journey within, cling to the 'without'
snow flakes falling
winds howling
dying, bleeding, crying
reversed 'pointed' line
Melting, fading, knowing(?)
knowledge: sought and shunned
love, hate, no escape
freedom? illusion?
a common fate
bitter cold: blaze unto fire
a voidless sphere
exposing lies of blood
Matter seared, the final fear
clinging to whatever
eyes nailed shut: betrayal...
door slammed from within
alone to recollect
to die, to 'live', to feel, to thrive(?)
Dichotomy of lies
all not without purpose
winds howling: harbinger of finality
energy: reaches ever from within
entity: blown unto the 'self' without
the final choice of the willing
fate? love? thelema?
intertwined as one, a trinity of purpose...
As snowflakes 'the many' fall towards the fiery abyss
clinging unto the illusionery, in utter desperation...
matter now burns, as the ashes of long dead memories
an exposition of maddening silence, a futile search unto meaning
the final recollection of bleeding souls, left alone in fate...
------
Eternal tranquility found: the 'self' without...
for it has been written: one shall endure...
fires are now heatless, flameless and dead
the snowflakes have failed to fall
yet energy itself has been suffered to thrive
and we are no longer alone...
What endures has been found..."







---------------------



"Vultures devour as corpses lie dormant
Despair and guilt consume as the foul ones feast on OUR
prey-lifeless and cold-on our very own dead flesh and blood
Brutally slayed necrophiliacs now lie decomposing as I sink
my fangs maliciously into my dead flesh and devour
Hatred burns as I see my slain enemy lying dormant-an icon
of faded deluded glory..."



Vultures are Fucking Vicious!!! and Kick the Shit Outta Vampires...



"Dead leaves smothered by the night snow
Decembers bareness shall once again hold sway
The dead beauty draws us all within-a time of rediscovery,
setting fire to our essence
Forging a new unknown, I erase myself
Born out of cold shadow, my lamentations fade
A new beast arises intent to burn all that once was
Rising in the night, a glorious sight is born
Vampyric to the core, I consume him who was me
Tranquil snow cant tame a vicious heart-full of lunacide, I
arise to strike
New vision born of fire and snow
Neglected feelings now lie bleeding yet the beast rises, to
ravage this night...
Don't call this life when its hell to pay
Cold as December is my gaze..."

---------------------

In Russian folklore there are many stories of Baba Yaga, the fearsome witch with iron teeth. She is also known as Baba Yaga Boney Legs, because, in spite of a ferocious appetite, she is as thin as a skeleton. In some stories she has two older sisters, who are also called Baba Yaga, just to confuse you! Her nose is so long that it rattles against the ceiling of her hut when she snores, stretched out in all directions upon her ancient brick oven. She travels perched in a large mortar with her knees almost touching her chin, and pushes herself across the forest floor with a pestle. Whenever she appears, a wild wind begins to blow, the trees around creak and groan and leaves whirl through the air; shrieking and wailing, a host of spirits often accompany her on her way...







"In my darkest hour, I perceived a lone flame
burning on the horizon...
I approached and was utterly consumed by its energy...
Enraptured and eternally bound I heard a voice telling me I must 'Go I know not whither and bring back I know not what'...WTF?!!!"


























------------------------------



"Senses sewn shut, a willing choice...
Descension of energy, the beckoning of an obliteration most pure...
Vicious unto self, a systematic denial of my inner cosmos...
Termination drenched in blood unseen
as sharpened minds, descend as blades
to extract, slay and end all that 'never' was; all which violently raped from the 'without'...
What is sought is the imprisoned, the lost, the innocent
What rises is knowledge: of good and evil...of self...
The result: viciousness, purity, focus and pain...
Pain for guilt now consumes: a reciprocation of outwardly induced inflictions...
Another way was opaque, veiled within the impenetrable void of 'non-existence': ever present, yet never revealed knowledge..."





"Dead eyes see no future, yet my eyes behold nothing..."



"The secret of the hanged man rests in the smile on his lips:
beckoning in the sadness of this night...
In the hopelessness of what some call life..."



"Lamentations now fade for they were but a pathetic expression of my weakness...into this eternal night a child is born, bewailing the stench of blood ridden cunt...penetrated voids writhe in agony: iconic unto vapors which compel strangulation, whether by existence or pronounced choice..."








"Enshrouded now in the dismal temple of suicidal rage I tremble and gaze into my past, my present, my essence and my future...
I behold utter nothingness save an abomination within a dream-an utter desolation..."





"Engulfed in the fog of melancholia, I awoke crying
Flung from the Heavens above into a corpse of flesh
I crawled, stumbled and sought...longing for light: for bliss
Dark yet fiery clouds hung overhead
With hope by my side, I twisted and turned amongst the corridors of this dark maze
Each movement was a choice, a decision
My motivating force was a faint voice in the distance: the voice of bliss
For aeons and painful ages I longed in agony to find the source of this voice, most beautiful
Yet every turn, every choice led unto a dead end
In my head I heard mocking laughter, as I faltered and failed
Silhouettes of nothingness began appearing unto mine eyes
Their shadows taunting, as if to dare
The longed after voice grew dimmer, ever more faint
As I sensed my mind loosing grip, my emotions bleeding, my perception fading
Every road chosen was like unto the last
The utmost despair seized me as I sat and wept: lost, confused, forsaken and hopeless
It was then that realization struck my abandoned soul
A new perception arose: the voice of bliss was a mirage, a never existent creation of my most fervent desires
Now in this, my most desperate hour the shadows spoke unto me
They promised to show me the path of life, the meaning of this maze of fog and sadness
Without choice left, I followed them as my tears turned to blood, clotting mine eyes
Blind, yet led onwards I found my hands against wood, a tree, my lifeless puppeteer
The last remnant of me, of my deepest essence then sprung forth
From the depths of my heart, tears flowed: drowning my soul and cleansing mine eyes
Within my grasp I beheld a mighty willow, its branches swaying in the breeze of melancholia
I climbed it and ventured to fathom: 'perhaps here I shall find bliss, or even a smile?'
I explored it endlessly and this weeping willow became my friend, my only friend
I talked with it, slept in the comfort of its branches, I grew to have trust...
One day, after many long days, I awoke, as if from a dream...the winds of melancholy ever blowing still
It was then my weeping willow spoke unto me...
'Do you trust me? Do you love me?' it spake unto my soul...a language unfathomed
'Yes, Yes I do' was my only reply...
Mine eyes then beheld a mysterious, hitherto unseen branch of my puppeteer friend
I climbed it with bliss in my soul and beheld a rope, a nous dangling high above the fog ridden maze
Knowing what must be done, I wrapped it bout my neck and as a puppet of life
I kissed my wooden puppeteer farewell...
With my final gaze, I beheld the beauty of creation: far beyond the inescapable maze of MY fate
My past, my inner scars and ALL flashed, consuming my mind n emotions
As I trembled, tortured by beauty's betrayal
I wrathfully cursed my own existence
And to the hugs of the melancholic breeze
I grinned and stepped off the ledge of my puppeteer
------
And the winds ever still sway the branches of my willow
Yet now my corpse dangles...broken and dead...
Yet all was long beforehand broken and dead..."











...The End...



"The games are played with your life on the line
Some lose, you win if you keep on trying...
I don't mind doing the time, I'm happier just being alive...
Now I know the means to my oppression were all lies...
The only truth is the most sacred lesson I've ever learned; I know we are free..."
(Testament's 'The Ballad')

------------------------------

...Yet Also The Beginning...



Rising from the Ashes of the Utmost Despair, a New Vision is now spewing Forth as Fire: Burning All that Once Was...even unto the flourishing of Love, Hope and Life; enveloped in the Union of Our Eternal Flame!!! Burning in the Darkness, We are Reborn...





Piercing Gazes Now and even Always have penetrated US, for Within the Mirrors of Existence, Energy, Union and OUR Heart WE Find Each Other, Gazing Back...Not as a Dual Essence expressed in Union; but as A Single Essence: Inseparable, Loving and Undying...









Our Children No Longer Lie Bleeding, Dying and Tormented...For in Each Other, We return unto Ourselves: Unto the Eternal US...