Do not mistake, my love, my shyness for disinterest
Do not hear, my love, my ridiculous words of doubt
Do not taste, my love, my fear thick in the air about me
Do not think, my love, you are ever far from my thoughts
Do not feel, my love, my fluttering heart beneath my breast
Do not go, my love, somewhere I cannot follow
Do not forsake, my love, do not forsake my love
...
...
napping in my hair, wishing you were there
our limbs mingle, a beautiful fleshy tingle
me and you sleepily, both sighing dreamily
a smile and a kiss, a mister and his miss
nothing to compare to you napping in my hair
...
...
The young wolf mother rallied her four small pups to huddle up against the night's inevitable cold. As she hurried the last one in the den, playfully nipping after his perky tail to entice him forward, she caught the glint of the setting sun on the snow. In its glare, she can see the brilliance of her own muzzle and the harmony that is her beautiful form. Turning her back on the light, and facing fiercely into the wind, she-wolf sent a loud and anguished howl to the east, toward tomorrow. Such was her cry that it would set your heart to ache, draw up your breathe - in this singular, neverending note, she called out one last time, lingering for the briefest of moments on that tiny, thread-thin chance that a lone wolf was out wandering, pondering, looking for a den to protect - a loyal dispersal. She screams out in her strong voice for this rogue to come and find her. She howls until there is no air left to make a sound, and quietly observes as it disappears in the wind. Knowing, instinctively, that there is no more to be done for the cause, she-wolf turned toward the den and the obligation of her small pack.
...
TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE
"too good to be true", that's my first thought of you
when I learn of your interest, straight out of the blue
i don't trust this new feeling, what if it's fake
i've been there before, won't repeat that mistake
the last one i fancied, mocking "twin to my soul"
turned out to be a ... stupid asshole
my esteem was shattered and, therefore, i fear
you shall have to pay a hefty toll, my dear
yes, i want to jump in, make a great big splash
but i'm afraid these actions appear a bit rash
i hope this won't disappoint, my 2nd poem for you
But like I've already said, it's too good to be true
...
fuck rhyming
fuck perfect timing
i wasn't looking, but it fell in my lap-top
this whole thing has the potential...
to really fuck me up
...
i trim off the jagged flesh that hangs from my heart, all that is of ME that was not took apart. Not much left worthy of feasting, so I toss it to the onlooking beastling. A mangy dog, there snarling with a frown, too afraid to approach, too hungry to back down. His viscious growls and gutteral utterances formed in the tongue of ancient huntresses... i am satisfied at the simple sound, of my heart being devoured by this diseased hound. and so with a smile, i welcome my demise, sink to the floor and gladly close my eyes. I allow my soul to float high above my head, and out from the walls, away from living dead.
...
Geezus!! This just won't stop!!! Go Away!!! (just kidding! kinda, not really, but you can hang out for awhile, just don't like me, adore me, let go, hold on, No, wait! Oh, okay, go. SHIT!!)
...
ANGRY REPLY
From: Mom
To: Mouse
Sent: Wed, May 11, 2011 11:01:24 PM
Subject:
Mouse,
I love you with all my heart and wish I was there to help, but I am not. You will figure this out! Our phone number here at home is #$%-&^*-)*&(, call me sometime please and let us be a part of your life. No one ever said you had to do this alone. We all love you very much!
Always and Forever,
Mom
MY ANGRY REPLY
That's all well and good, but I am alone. I used to believe I was alone in California, but I wasn't: I had a huge support group of very dear friends - but I am not in California anymore. I have no choice but to figure this out, alone. I am sorry to have to bring this to your attention, but your words are not comforting.
I trust no one and am beginning to see that I don't even like most people anymore at least not the ones I meet here. We live in a town where we don't know anyone and I find myself having to defend Ayla against stupid bullshit: Jennifer and her mother recently accused Ayla of doing something that Ayla swears up and down she didn't do, she was in tears over it. I believe Ayla, but they don't. Ayla doesn't even want to go over to Daphne's house anymore because of it. This is just a small example of the crap I am dealing with because of their narrow, small-town, prudish minds...
Why do I not share this with you? Partly because you have proven yourself unable to keep confidences. But mostly because you have really cut yourself off from us. You didn't even make a concerted effort to be a consistent part of our lives in California until it was too late and we were moving. It has been years since I felt "close" to you. It used to make me cry, literally. But not anymore.
I am done. I will not hold my tongue for the sake of keeping peace. I will not lay down and let people walk all over me or Ayla, (especially not Ayla). More to the point, I will not feel bad for feeling this way.
What's worse, in reading up on what Ayla truly needs to succeed in life, is what we had going on in California, living in Vista. I made poor financial choices in California, for which I blame no one but myself... but I also made some good decisions for Ayla there. Now we have to start all over again, in a place that neither one of us really likes.
I hardly see Erik, all of my contact is with Jennifer, and she can be very ugly on occasion. I can't stand the shit that comes out of her mouth half the time and there is no use in talking with her about it.
It is only a matter of time before we return to our home: San Diego, California.
Unfortunately, at this point, my only loyalties in Missouri are to Ayla, and Jasper. Without Jasper, I would not have a job and I would not be able to support Ayla at all. If it were not for this job, and Medicaid, we would already be back in California.
-Mouse
...
ZOMBIE BRIDE
I’ll gladly tell you everything
My rotting mind longs to bring
I’ll do any evil for your attention
Perform any deed that you mention
I’ll start a fire flaming bright
Making creatures run in fright
I’ll trap the maiden hold her down
Spread her brains to feed your crown
I’ll relish the stench of your flesh
As if the smell were still fresh
I’ll savor the sting of your whip
Enjoy the flavor from your hip
I’ll suffer pain and shed no tears
To lay with you for a 1000 years
I’ll walk in darkness by your side
Hunting prey as your bride
...
COMPULSION
How would you like to be the center of my most recent obsession
The object of my daily thoughts, the one whose steps I haunt
The Muse that sets my mind to wonder, to write, to fantasize
Are you brave enough to stand still, let my pen poke and prod you
When I need something to look forward to, are you that subject
Are you smart enough to take it lightly when need be
And take it seriously when I demand your attention
Can you possibly stand my inane banter, my insane chatter
Or my random comments relating to nothing, but everything
Will you tell me I am beautiful, smart, and that you long for me
Do you mind if I tell you these things, and more
...
NIGHTSHADE
Passion and poison, both I do heed
Searching and longing, a desperate need
Enticing and luring, a planted seed
Calculating and beautiful, you deadly weed
A small dose, enough for me to bleed
Just a drop, a ruby red bead
Hear my surrender, for which you plead
I am the soil from where you feed
...
WRETCHED BASTARD GHOST
i buried your stupid bones
in a place no one knows
in the middle of a forest
where the soil is the poorest
to not draw attention
to your miserable defection
dig will you 'til it pains
to find whate'er small remains
what once alive, now is dead
the hope of you inside my head
with satisfaction i do tell
like a deep, dark, dry well
swallowed up your soul
swallowed you up whole
...
...
I RUN TO YOU
I am roaming the night, aimless and desperate... How is it I find no one who wishes to feed... I am here... ever willing... Master is mad, so he has foresaken me another fortnight. I must not wander, but does he not see the vicious circle of domination?! How can he not realize that it is his attention I seek, but yours that will fulfill me for this one lonely night? He would surely kill you, were he to know your name and location... But it is truly HIS transgression that causes the problem... His indifference to me that causes the turmoil... You are but the happless prey in my bid to win Master's attention. Are you brave enough, to face his wrath, when he learns of my indescretion, of my wanton ways with you? How I love to love you, and yet hate to destroy you all in the same night. I fear for your life, and yet crave it all at once... I am horrible. I am the true Monster. I will risk your life in order to attract Master to me. You should run. Fast.
...
I want to write my feelings... I need to... But... I am afraid my only muse is my sorrow, and it runs deep. How desparate I get when my little girl is gone! But she will be home soon, and all this heat and sunshine will have a purpose once again. Until her return, I must remember to breathe. Breathe, damn it, breathe!
...
…and I so despise this world that I dedicate my very last breathe to witness its undoing, awash in the gritty, pity of humanity that plagues its surface… wasteful habitants that we are… to bring such a violent end to that which gave us not but life, nurturing sustenance… Yes, I must hate myself as I hate this world…
...
…this is a bright place, with shallow shadows and mild minds… not fit for the likes of us, of me… I am that dim doubt, that brief remembrance of black things – I cause the pause in another’s conversation, a smile faked, a sullen stare… I am that deep down dark fog of regret, and denial. I am the memory of your sin. You are not forgiven for I refuse to be forgotten…
...
If you thought there were walls of stone up in strength before.... may I reiterate...
SEVEN YEARS REIGN
I am on my own
I seek no one to fulfill any task on my behalf
I carry all of my groceries, up the stairs, in one shot
I carry my own trash to the garbage can on my way to
my car every morning before work, at 6:45 a.m.
And I work only after I deliver my child safely to school
I cook all the meals
I wash all the dishes
I launder all of the clothes, household effects
I vacuum and mop the floors, dust the furniture
I go to school, to become better, proficient
I excel at my career
I win coveted awards
I have enemies from inside my own company
I face those enemies, everyday
I smile knowingly at their fakeness
I rejoice in their jealousies, how green they are
I have ambitions, aspirations, financial desires
Everyday of my life is a race to the finish line
And I must always finish in first place
I have given speeches to educate and, Goddess willing, inspire hope
I earn the money that provides the home, groceries, health insurance,
car insurance, car, gas, electric, clothes, shoes, art classes
cable, internet, a cell phone
I provide that too
I rule this house, with a wicked grasp
I am in tight control, at all times
I am the Mistress of this Castle
Ruler of my Kingdom
Protector of this Realm
As Mistress, I sit on my throne, overseeing
A constant, unfailing, unforgiving vigil
I see all: the beauty, the life, all of it under my control
I must protect it
I must protect it for her, my Princess
Her existence is the purpose behind the universe entirely
And so now I am a teacher
Showing my Princess to endure, to remain graceful,
Maintain integrity, use wisdom, pass fair judgment
Laugh in the face of scrutiny and ridicule,
Relish in our distinction, our elegant mystery
Be proud of all that makes us different, makes us royalty
Refuse intolerance, enforce swift and educated justice
Death, violence, sadness, mistakes
These too are a part of our Realm
So my castle walls are high, impenetrable, insurmountable
Distrust and biting sarcasm - my bows and arrows
Natural defense mechanisms keeping us unreachable
Unaffected by the common world
High on this perch, my regal family ever protected
By my personality, my inept social prowess
Cutting cynicism, a boiling acid serving as a mote spreading across and out
My tireless tenacity, stubborn pride and independent attitude,
Discouraging solicitors, all of them taken for fools
For how can there be any left worthy of trust
Worthy of Us
Worthy of Me
Yes, I see all with my infinite eyes
I see the throne next to me
Empty
The vibrant fabric faded only by dust and disuse
I have reigned over this Kingdom for so long
Alone
Never asking for help, never seeming as if I need it
Offering diplomatically vague responses to probing questions
Questions made by the inattentive and droll species that has become known as “Man”
What is this Realm that I protect
Endless abandoned fields, wasted by drought and weathered by wind
Where once fertile grasslands stretched beyond the beyond
Now only frozen dirt, turn frigid without sun, or attention
My glaring presence, ever warning, ever threatening
Not even the sun will look down upon my land
For fear of my scowling face
There is no sun in my Kingdom
As there is none shining in my heart
Cold calculated control, hard and steely gray as the skies surrounding my castle
Causing my Princess tears of longing for frolic, for light
For freedom
Only her pain, her need…
Only she…
Could bring me to my knees.
Make me admit my weakness, my vulnerabilities…
If I had any.
And what of my longings
What would this Mistress want
I am a ruler, I am a mother, I am a world leader
I am always and at all times
A Woman
I fulfill all roles for which I am obliged
But is there a role yet uncast
A duty left undone
The thrashing, gnashing, gnawing nothingness of loneliness
I am reminded of the lack, constantly
The smooth skin of my leg finding only cold sheets of a king-sized bed
Fit only for a Queen, and her king-sized ego
The shapes of silk-covered pillows, not a star-clad lover
Cries of pleasure come from only one set of lips
My lips
Alone in the night
Is there one left that is brave enough to cross my mote,
Brazen enough to bath in my wake, my tumultuous waters
Coax the drawbridge, with it’s rusting chains groaning in protest
Walk through my gate, stand in my courtyard
Saunter among my Advisors
Is there one out there
A kingdomless King
A traveling monarch
An honorable Man, with strength of leadership
Wisdom of silence
Could there be a brilliant vagabond Ruler
Alert and searching
For Us
For Me
Does he dream as I do, of the moment we meet
Finally
At last
Feeling the spark, the strange and wonderful pull,
Powerless against the knowledge, as binding as gravity
And, in private, trade propriety and shyness for wild abandon and lust
Alas…
I have no King.
No Warrior to fend off mine enemy
No one to command my respect, steal my attention
I have yet met a Man, a real Man
Not with verbal arrogance, but froth with quiet confidence
With strong lips, and yet stronger hands
To grab and tear
At my hair, my clothes
My desire
My resolve
...
OFF WITH HER HEAD
So many times I have heard this
an exclamation of triumph
From the lips of one
who would not be wronged
overthrown
Silently, I took my punishment
another lesson, another what if
My heart's fleeting desire
met with resistance, ridicule
My tender neck exposed, scraping
against the raw wood
of a merciless guillotine
It's steely blade forever severing
my ties, the lies that bind
But each of these losses
served well to better me, my judgment
I am not that kind of woman
never have been
But then, what kind of woman
am I?
Would I be so different
were the tables turned?
Were me and mine threatened
What length would I
will I
go to secure my thrown?
Would I be so callous a harpy
to stake claim, give that final order
for her execution?
No emotion on my face
as her eyes close forever
lost in the wind, a dim memory
all too soon to be forgotten
It may have no inflection
but my voice would ring out
clear and bright as noon sky
sharp and cutting as broken glass
Yes
I am that woman
I will look on at her pain
not out of interest
but obligation
I will supervise her undoing
There is no rhapsody in her folly
just inconvenience
I see her existence as an obstacle
below recognition
but requiring a moment's attention
a dust particle
to be dowsed and swiped away
decapitated.
OFF WITH HER HEAD
...
THE HOLE
And so I write this down
So it comes out
And not up
I could vomit right now
Puke up my poor mood
It churns in my belly
Disgusting me
My own anger making me ill
Saliva thick in my mouth
My tongue curling with the emotion
My teeth locked in place
I want to hurt and defile
I want to kick and slap
I want to fight my way out
I need my freedom now
I am pacing
Locked in a cage
...
Watsons? Sure, I'll take a few. I'm not injured, but there is discomfort, in my head, my chest. Blues? Yeah, alright. First numb the pain, right, then try to forget why it hurts to begin with. Chew 'em up, helps the dissolution.
Funny... I still feel my head, and my chest. They both hurt. And I still know why.
Maybe I should take more.
...
WINDOWS TO MY SOUL
I was free to show love and affection
In my home
I ruled my work and presented very well
In the office
I could speak to a hundred intent people
In a seminar
But…
I avoided eye contact with strangers
In public
Now, I have aggression and hated thoughts
In my home
Now, I have no place to control, no job
In an office
Now, I speak to the hundred intent voices
In my head
But…
I still avoid eye contact with strangers
In public
My emotions live there, in my eyes, inside their blackness
If I hate you, you will see it seething there
If you have pissed me off, you will see it blaze there
If I am hiding my thoughts, you will greedily read them there
If I am indifferent to your problems, you will see my deadness there
If I am lonely, you will see the starvation hiding there
And…
If I love you, you will feel how deeply it goes there
So, when we meet, if I do not look into your eyes right away
It is because I am afraid you will see everything I feel for you
Because in some ways, while not in others, you are a stranger
I avoid eye contact with strangers
In public
...
MASTER OF MY UNIVERSE
(a Piece born from Procrastination)
i am a strong woman
of this there is no doubt
even if all you ever see is
this stale profile
stale because it is limited
by my own evolution
i change, become better
with each passing moment
if all you ever see is
leathermouse
you will still see me
my independence, my strength
my struggles
my profile will also
paint a clear picture
of my longing
a deep burning
not only do i command
but wish
more than anything
to be commanded
to trust wholly
to submit
to a master
not of my flesh
but of my universe
were the right man
nay
the right master
to walk up to me
and stare me in the eye
in the soul
i would know him
instantly
master will be strong like me
strong in mind and spirit
a natural leader
with passion
i am told to reduce my expectations
my standards
find someone to tie me over
until i can meet a nice guy
i am open to whatever form
master will take
but
i have a feeling
master will not be
a nice guy
...
WOMAN OF WAR (a story written by Ayla, 10 yrs)
The woman of war was a distraction for the Native Americans during a war in the 1600’s. The woman’s name was Fiona, the Indians thought the name meant “war singer” or “deadly attraction woman”.
Fiona’s voice was so beautiful, once the English was distracted by her and her people defeated the English. Then, the Chief, Chief Wild Bear or Hopping Grass, had an idea. He wanted Fiona to sing something about the drums of war because the spirits told him about the next war, the French colonists war.
While the deal has discussed, Fiona agreed about it. The chief was very honored, so she gets a free time from training with the warriors. Fiona was finally ready for the war song. In 1657, the French colonists were here to claim this “new world” for riches of gems and organic, natural things to eat, build and make for war. But, most of all, they want to make this place into “Kingstown”, for King George San Henry. Fiona’s people thought the people were very strange to them, Fiona wasn’t impressed. After the colonists built forts and tents, they were ready for this day of war.
The Natives Americans came upon the colonists, and made a deal that if the colonists wins, they will take the risk of finding a new country to live, but if the Natives win, the colonists will leave them in peace. Wild Bear told Fiona to hide in the corner of their forest, when the sun rises off the ground, she will sing to the war. The colonists were attacking the people, she knew that her people was in trouble for good, so, she quickly sang a long, relaxing, beautiful song that impressed the colonists so professional, the colonists followed her voice expect the captain Shane Corrals, the harsh man to the Natives, he wants to make them as slaves when they win. Fiona sang so long, the Indians just defeated the colonists, all of them! Shane was not distracted, he went to the chief and almost killed him, but the voice sang louder until his head went mad.
Shane was trying to ignore this song but it was to pretty to ignore, the chief was totally impressed! Fiona shot the captain with a bow and arrow into his black heart. Then, the people was never been fighting anyone again. Years later, when more colonists came to the same population in the 1700’s, the German colonists and the Portuguese colonists came there, they saw colorful bright smoke and spiritual shadows of that same people from the1600’s, and the woman of war, singing to the same colonists. The Germans called these souls, ”War parties” and Portuguese named them, ”Souls of the unknown culture’s war of justice.” But, really it is just a made up historical story.
...
CHECK MY BRAIN
Because there are times when I cannot control it
My thoughts will travel down that dangerous way
A path that should be burned away to its wicked soil
My nose bleeds from the concentration
Of evil disasters cultivating in my cranial oil
Ways to hurt, scrape, ways to mutilate
The trust that threatens to plant seeds of hope
Fuck hope
Fuck seeds
Fuck all desire for a future life of any kind
I will crouch in my corner
Hands on my knees
Hair in my face
Sweat in my eyes
Tears nowhere
Pain everywhere
My head will thrash inside my head
I am dizzy and my muscles hard
though I move not
kinetic hate
pulsating
building
I wait for just one mistake
A complacent arrogant ego
You will fowl up
You doubt me
I will take you
Check my brain
...
THAT AIN’T THE CASE, BUT STILL
I get an e-mail notice, but it’s not from you
I rant on your IM, but you’re not there
When you are there, you’re very aware
So when I feel I’ve done something wrong
I know that ain’t the case,
But still…
A lifetime of insecurity and incongruity
Have trained my psyche well
I want to delete you, but I can’t bring myself to
I feel like you’re hiding from me, my honesty
I know that ain’t the case,
But still…
Is that it? I’ve told you too much
Everything I felt, feel, hope to reveal
You don’t feel as strongly as I do, clearly
And you’re not man enough to say it
I know that ain’t the case,
But still…
You don’t have to worry about me, not one bit
Give it to me straight, right between the eyes
This ain’t my first rodeo, I’ve killed this bull before
It doesn’t matter to me now if I never talk to you again
You know that ain’t the case,
But still…
...
MY “BEFORE I DIE” LIST (no particular order)
1. Hold all of my grandchildren
2. Inspire my daughter to be awesomely relaxed
3. Visit Amsterdam and Germany
4. Save a life
5. Start a Family Tradition
6. Put down roots
7. Ride my own Boss Hogg to Sturgis and party for a week
8. Get paid for my writing
9. Be a Kick-Ass Old Lady to a Bad-Ass Old Man
10. Open a Pub with my Brother
11. Sing at least one sultry song in a smoky piano bar to a small attentive crowd (and do a good job at it)
12. Take an Alaskan cruise
13. Pierce my nipples
14. Meet members of my VS Family in person...
15. … (I reserve the right to add to this list any damn thing I want)
...
KRONICLES OF MY PARALEGALIZATION
Fuck your legal education
You gave me validation
To rise against your Mutilation
You deserve excommunication
Not fucking exoneration
I am now a replication
Of this shitty population
Born from corporation
Not fucking copulation
A member of the Hater-Nation
You took my visualization
Turned it into expectation
All for your gratification
For that, no justification
No small complication
Now there is self-medication
Instead of self-flagellation
So I make an exclamation
A fucking rebel castegation
Calling for your casteration
No other satiation
Just to crumble affiliation
With your false adjudication
I need rehabilitation
But not from celebration
Of my true appreciation
For barley fermentation
But from the realization
Of your rationalization
I am not the abbreviation
I will bring resuscitation
To your fucking Bar Association
...
3:00 A.M.
I can feel your eyes on me, as I lie in my bed
My skin tingles from the feel of your stare, as if I’ve been painlessly burned
There is an ache here, because I want to enjoy the roughness of your hands
All over me
I toss restlessly as my mind won’t release the thought of your mouth on mine
On me
I imagine the weight of your body, the flavor of your scent
Your breathe in my hair, on my neck, everywhere
I can feel you so close, but you won’t touch me
Why
Why are you torturing me, maddening distance and restraint
Touch me, reach out and touch me
Even with just a finger, stroke my lips, trail my body
No, you are right to stay away
I’m not safe for you
I will drive you to the end and then lead you over it
The power of this desire would destroy us both
Forever changed, were we to give in
I beg for one touch, but that would never be enough
More, I would always crave more
Desperately, I would calculate ways to get to you
Do anything, hurt anyone, to feel you with me
Again and again
Oh, but to be trapped inside myself, still feeling your eyes on me
Can you hear my wordless begging, my silent pleas
See how I stretch myself across the sheets, twisting in them
Grabbing at the soft pillows, wishing they were your shoulders
Even in my mind, you resist still, hesitant, knowing
And yet my thirst rages on, commanding me, demanding you
Relentless need, ever present, like your glare
You are there, just outside my window
But you will not come to me, though I sense your desire to
And I cannot bring myself to draw my shade, close the view
We allow this torment to exist
This is all we have
This, or nothing
I will take it, and revel in the time I have with you
...
FEAR AND LOATHING
I despise your wretched willful soul
The truth that you exist at all
is upsetting, unsettling,
unnerving
How dare you look in my direction
with your wicked dead eyes
You are a vile beast
and should be hunted as such
I will entice you, trap you, strap you
torture & maim you
Remove you from this world
and from my sight
I will peel you apart
piece by obtuse piece
skin from muscle
muscle from bone
Suck your marrow,
lick the juice of your spine
boil your brains and breathe
in the steam from your cerebral stew
I will swallow your heart's acrid flavor
as I devour your evil essence
...and your sickly flesh will rot inside by body
until I am bloated with your hate
Your skeleton will be my trophy
and I will fuck myself violently
with your bones
Incessantly sick sinister seething sex...
...and I will touch myself lasciviously
Go down on your corpse
and pleasurably gag on your remains
Grind my ribs against the shards of yours
arousing me, impaling me
Fuk You, Fuk Face!
I'll Fuk Your Fukn Face!
Leave my pussy hair and flesh
caught in the teeth of your skull
My bleeding cunt will cum
in the instant
I smash what's left of your shit eatin' grin
with a heavy rock
Finally shattering you into
a million inconsequential, irreplacable, beautiful
fukn pieces
You will have no final resting place
no stone to spit at in memory of you
no site to suffer desecration
If you had mourners
I would kill them too
spill their blood in your name
It'd ruin my shoes
and fuk up my tally
I don't give a shit
But I worry not
for you have no loved ones left
No one to feel loss for your smug mug shot
Just me, your truly hated one
I am all you know
All you will ever know when your end cums
I will abuse you beyond death
As I fear and loath you
So shall you fear and loath me,
You Fuck
...
WHERE'S YOUR CROWN, QUEEN NOTHING
...and so I am standing here
The towers of my castle decayed
bricks have been lost
I could surround myself with guards
if they had not revolted
I could cover myself with cloaks
if they had not been burned
My walls are gone now
I stand here, naked, exposed
holding a small, trusting hand
Be gentle with your judgment
of my bereft state
One harsh blow
could cut me deep
Even if I never show it
...
RELOCATION
I've lept in faith... and am still falling... I didn't pack a parachute... just opened the doors and let the wind take me... it should be exciting, my free-falling... but my enjoyment is marred by my overwhelming fear... I am fear-falling... I am not free at all... where the hell will I land?
On my feet... So mote it be.
...
NO, I DON'T FUKN MISS YOU
How the hell am I supposed to miss you when you are everywhere
Haunting my steps, I feel your breath on my neck
I have no privacy, not even in my own damn head
Hiding behind every thought, making my ass remember you
Whispering in my head, things I would fukn kill to hear
I have moments of hesitation, I feel yours eyes on me as I make myself cum again
You are ever present, marking your territory in my psyche
My mind's eye filled with visions of your evil smile, learing, luring me
I can't stop thinking about you, it's a fukn sickness
You are the disease that will kill me, eventually, deliciously
So, No, I don't fukn miss you
I just got a letter - Apparently I have been accepted at Hogfarts School of Masonry and Debauchery. Ok, so I might join this cult... I like pottery.
...
I HATE YOU
i hate that i think of you often
i hate that i check my e-mail a 1000 times a day
i hate that i wish you were looking for me
i hate the time that has passed since last we talked
i hate my imagination and the vivid tricks it plays
i hate that you say what i've been begging to hear
i hate that you pierced the thin veil of my pretense
i hate that you turn me on
i hate that i am jealous of your pretty girlfriends
i hate how i am scared
i hate how you like to talk to me
i hate that you cuss more than i do
i hate that i agree with almost all of your opinions
i hate that you are a talented musician
i hate that your writing excites me
i hate that we have so much in common
i hate that you live in another state
i hate how i hate that
i hate you
...and if i find out that you ride a motorcycle too, i'll hate you even more!
...
BABYSITTING
my horrible mood permeates the very air
it is a sickening acid eminating from my pores
even my perfume dissipates in the fury rolling off my skin
hate in mist form
there is gravel in my throat
my voice a growl grating in my chest
my lips are flaming
as are my cheeks and ears
i can hear the blood pounding in my head
as my emotions run amuck
disgusting anger so intense
i am momentarily insane
i am demented by a desire to crack his head
against something hard
"take your medicine, you insolent, disrespectful pup"
he will learn boundaries
and his lessons begin now
i must resist
Goddess help me make it go away
as i will likely hate myself in the morning
squeezing my eyes shut, balling my hands into fists
it is hard to refrain
as there is no levity anywhere in my psyche
there is no light
no memory of laughter
or the love i know exists inside me, hiding
there is only premeditated dark intent
a sinister vision of his lank, defenseless body
slamming against the far wall
snapping and cracking noises
and a satisfying grin dawning across my face
in this moment, i am a monster
and to think...
all he said to me was "shut-up, gaywad"
...
I LIKE REAL
Real is ... getting pissed at someone you don't respect
... getting hurt by someone you do
... feeling hate for your enemies
... feeling hate for your family
... admitting when you're wrong
... fighting for what's right
... knowing where you stand
... knowing when to lie
... killing when you have to
... noticing when to hold back
... towing the line for your freedom
... learning a lesson from losing it
... when a friend bails you out
... when you return the favor
... when your heart races
... when you're turned on
... laughing uncontrollably
... loving unconditionally
... risking rejection
... putting it out there anyway
... all around us
... hidden from our sight
... me
... you
...
AS DEPICTED BY THE WORDS OF MY ADMIRER, I SLEEP ALONE AGAIN THIS EVENING, AS WITH EVERY EVENING. I AM A STRONG WOMAN AND DISCIPLINED, STUBBORN EVEN - I REMAIN VIGILANT IN MY DECISION - I SAVE MYSELF FOR HIM, MY ONE TRUE MASTER, WHOMEVER HE BE... BUT HOW LONG CAN I TRULY FIGHT MY OWN DESIRES, MY OWN NEED TO BE NEEDED? TO BE THE CARNAL FEAST FOR A HUNGRY BEAST? HOW I LONG TO BE DEVOURED...
BUT I AM REMINDED OF MY GOAL, TIME AGAIN, IN MY PRIOR MUSINGS:
FAITHFUL
I am faithful to a Master I have not met
I have not seen his face
I have not heard his voice
I do not know his name
I do not know where he calls home
I save myself for his command
I will not submit to another
I will not share my life, nor my bed, with less than him
I know my place: naked, under his spell, in his arms, at his feet
My entire being gravitates toward him
Already, his pull consumes my universe
I am being guided to his side, where I will stand forever
I dream of our meeting and how he will love me, completely
I fantasize about our union and his carnal pleasure
Stars will be born in the wake of our passion
He will discover the depths of my devotion, my discipline
For, even now, as I write these words...
I am faithful to a Master I have not met.
WHEN MASTER FINDS ME, HE WILL NOT FIND ME FALLEN, JUST WAITING...
...
God, would someone please just spank me?...
...
MY FAVORITE MID-DAY SNACK
I love to suck dick
It's a bit of a fetish, really
I love the way cock smells, feels, tastes
If I could, I would suck dick everyday
several times even
That's one definite sign of a healthy relationship:
cock sucking
Every man wants it
Every woman should want to do it
I am perplexed by any woman who does not enjoy
or get off on
sucking her man's dick
WTF?!!
In fact, I am a firm supporter of the return of
"Steak and Nobber Night"
Where has this time honored tradition gone?
Feed my man a fat juicy steak
then suck him off for dessert
Mmmmmm... delicious.
It's a win-win situation for all involved
There are just so many things about giving a blowjob...
I'm wet just thinking about cock (there goes my pussy again)
For instance, I like to fit it all in my mouth
before he gets too hard, too big
But I have to move fast
because it doesn't take long
until his dick is thick and ready
for me to molest
Of course, I cannot give a proper blowjob
without using both of my hands as well
Wrapping my fingers around the shaft
tighten my grip just enough
so the loose skin moves slightly
as I massage the flavor of his cock onto my tongue
Using my other hand to cup and fondle his balls
Mmmmmm... balls.
Yes, I love to lick balls as well
Say what you will, but I know you want it
You want to choke me, make me gag
I fucking love that too
I'm not to forget mentioning
that small squirt of cum I get
when I've stroked it just right
and his tip is slamming the back of my throat
Like a tasty, teasing little preview of what's to cum
I savor it, let it roll on my tongue
before I swallow
I love the way he pulses in my mouth
my tongue circling playfully on his head
as I moan with my own erotic pleasure
Then the eye contact I make with him
as I move my lips along his cock
down to his balls and back up again
While I like to drag out a good suck job
like the dirtiest, nastiest, sweetest torture
all good things must end
Oftentimes, my blowjobs simply lead to other things
like Titty Fucking (which you know I thoroughly enjoy as well)
Especially since I love to slap my titties with his hard cock
I pride myself on my blowjob being complete
all by itself
I have succeeded when...
I hear "Oh God, I'm gonna cum", and...
I feel his fingers pulling tighter in my hair, and...
I see his toes curl involuntarily, and...
he chants my name uncontrollably against the surge
and then the most beautiful explosion
sweet salty cum
on my face, on my tits, on my ass, and/or...
in my mouth
Yes, I love to suck dick
I talk dirty to the cock
I beg for the cum in my mouth
Goddamn, I wanna suck a dick now...
...
EDUCATED DECISIONS
People are too put off by bad first experiences
You need to be more willing to make educated decisions...
Some say you should try a new thing at least once
I say you need to try a new thing at least twice
to really have an honest, grounded opinion
Take sodomy, for example...
Should probably try it more than once,
and with several different partners
to help form a solid basis for comparison
It's a scientific approach to new ideas
really
...
(FOR THE LADIES)
COMMENTS YOU WILL HEAR DURING ANAL SEX AND A GYNO APPT
1. Can you please skooch down just a smidge, so I can see what I'm doing...
2. Relax your knees, and arch your pelvis forward...
3. Now breathe deep...
4. You're going to feel some pressure, but don't worry: that's just me
5. ...and now some scraping
IN EITHER EVENT, LADIES, IT'S A LOT EASIER WHEN THEY TALK US THROUGH IT
...
BIG GAME DAY
C'mon, Ladies, a pap-smear ain't that bad
Just do what I do:
Tailgate!!!!
Treat it like it's a big playoff game
A few cocktails and roasted weenies
in the parking lot of the clinic
Invite some friends over
Especially those among us getting
a mammogram...
They really need the extra moral support...
and jerseys!
Save the Ta-Tas!!!!
...
CASTING
You wonder why you are here
a favor to a friend perhaps
an unpleasant happenstance
You don't even like Indian food
but here you sit, on the floor
eating food with your fingers
dishes with names you cannot pronounce
spices you've never guessed at
beginning to burn in your core
along with the spirits
as the drinks flow, the crowd grows
You inquire about the attraction
"why are so many people arriving?"
"because the evening is beginning, my friend"
he smiles knowingly at your dumbfounded expression
Lanterns are being lit, incense is burning
a slow, undulating rhythme steals through low tables
hissing its way along the floor, to your ears
all of your senses are engaged
and that's when you know
why you are here tonight
...
FREEDOM - JUST ANOTHER WORD FOR NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE
You said you were homeless, but that you were free
Taking comfort from the streets of a strange city
If there is one song that would be for you, from me
It would be Madame Joplin's "Bobby McGee"
"Feelin' good was easy, Lord, when we sang the blues
and feelin' good was good enough for me, uhmmm
good enough for me and my Bobby McGee."
...
SISTERHOOD OF THE WOLF
Meek frames, soft eyes, voices small
Our sweet meat coupled with it all
The delicate flesh to hide our reverence
A coat of cloud from the heavens
No way to defend, should the need arise
No way to keep killing from our eyes
We have no fangs, there are no claws
Some of Nature's intended flaws
Just our inherent tenderness
Keep our company in the darkness
We will be taken if the Wolf should desire
No matter the trap our shephard would hire
We entice our demise in our own way
As we frolic with eachother in passionate play
Knowing already what our scent has attracted
The Devil Dog, and our slaughter exacted
Entranced by our cunning, seeming innocence
The Wolf will act as if no deference
But dream he does, salivate our flavor
He calculates his first bite, how he will savor
Deep he will sink his teeth in our throat
And from white to red goes our clean coat
The epitome of lust, my Sister Lambs and me
A happy flock, awaiting our destiny
We are large in number, eaten in twos or three
We do not mourn, this is what we want to see
To be reborn is to be this Wolf's feast
Even knowing this, we do not fear the beast
Our pleasure and our blood flowing like a river
Locked in his teeth, we feel his violent shiver
Through the greed of his eating spree
We are delivered and finally free
Though we are decimated, we do not decease
We will live again in the Sister's fleece
...
I WAS JUST INSPIRED...
my pussy swollen and wet with desire
but will you help me quench this fire
it burns me up, right-side in
thick musky flavor of nasty sin
lest you enter my dark domain
this lust will render me insane
is that what you want: me to go mad
make me demented before i am had
i cannot handle this erotic stresser
my pussy pulses, finger the pressure
but you like me psycho, like me sick
makes it better when i suck your dick
...
ANYONE UP FOR A TITTY FUCK
Do you want to titty fuck
before our time is almost up
Flip me over, turn me round
I won't make a fucking sound
My titties lubed, nice and wet
in between, your cock is set
Just before you're about to cum
I'll suck your tip, start to hum
Titty fucking makes me hot
How I love that money shot
...
UNEMPLOYED
i need a fukn job
i feel like a fukn slob
i used to be a fukn snob
now i sit and fukn sob
were my name "neal'n'bob"
would you gimme a fukn job?
...
EVERY BLOW JOB IS THE GREATEST BLOW JOB... UNTIL THE NEXT BLOW JOB
...
BLUSHING
A darker shade of pink
stains a different kind of cheek
I will play the meek
if you spank me 'til you're weak
...
MONDAY
nicely tailored black slacks
blood red pumps, with a kitten heel
matching exactly my reading glasses
and my always-fresh bright matte lipstick
sheer black blouse
hidden by a thin sleeveless sweater
also black
smoldering eye make-up, long lashes
black again
my wild mane of thick dark curls
flowing down my back
tangled tastefully and tickling my elbows
Swarovski crystals wrap around my wrists
and crawl up my arms
one giant ring for each hand
my favorite black cat earrings, they go with any outfit
lastly, Coco-Chanel
...
PRODUCTION YARD MANAGER
He walks through the door, hot and tired, tall and masculine
His shoulders are straight and broad
Sweat and dirt and a scowl all over his face
Powdered clay dusts his hat
Eyes piercing and hard, and bright with intelligence
His brow dirty and his hair matted
His clothes are smeared with grease and more clay
I can make out the colors of the bricks he made
As covered as he is, I can still see the lines of his body
Kept hard by hard physical work
Kept happy by hard physical pleasure
And his hands, my favorite part, are filthy and rough
As are my thoughts of him, they make me nasty
I crave his callous hands all over my flesh
Want to feel his fingers grabbing at me, digging in
Pulling me closer, but its never close enough
I could crawl all over him, share his skin
I will do anything he wants, be his toy
He sees that look in my eyes, he knows what I want
I am his willing slave, but not because that is my role
But because there is an accute need deep inside my core
I could devour him with my need to be consumed
He smirks
Where, in other moments, one could not guess at it
Right now, it is as clear on my face as my sexual intentions:
He owns me
...
WHEN I FOUND THIS WRITING, I KNEW AT ONCE. FOR SO LONG I HAD PLAYED AT LIFE, NOT KNOWING FROM WHERE MY STRANGE DESIRES AROSE, AND FEELING SHAME FOR EVER HAVING THEM. I AM NO LONGER ASHAMED, OR EVEN AFRAID. NOW I SEEK ONE WHO WOULD COMPLIMENT AND COMMAND ME.
"I am a submissive woman. I find pleasure, joy, and fulfillment from being submissive to another in a loving relationship. I am not weak, or stupid. I am a strong woman, with firm views and a clear concept of what I want out of my life. I do not serve out of shame or weakness, but out of pride and strength.
I look to my loving Master for guidance and protection, for never am I more complete than when he is with me. I know that he will protect my body, my mind, and my soul with his strength and wisdom. He is everything to me, as I am everything to him. His touch awakens me and his thoughts free me. Only in serving him do I find complete freedom and joy.
His punishments are harsh, but I accept them thankfully, knowing that he has my bests interests always foremost in his mind. If he desires my body for pleasure, I shall joyfully give it to him, and take pleasure myself from knowing that I have brought him happiness. However, the pleasure of the flesh is but one facet of any relationship. The love, the trust and sharing, the words spoken and felt, those are all parts of this relationship.
My body is his, and if he says I am beautiful, then I am. No matter what I look like to others, I am beautiful in his eyes, and because of that I hold my head high...for who can tell me that my Master is wrong in seeing the beauty in me? If he says I am his princess, then I am that...regal and graceful, and if I see laughter at me in the eyes of others, I do not recognize it, for who are they to call my Master wrong? If he says I am his toy, his slut, his tramp, then I am that...as wanton and dirty as he wants me to be, and if others do not see this, then it is they who are blind, not my Master.
My mind is his, to expand, to explore, to know as only he can. I have no secrets from him...for secrets are a thing that would keep me from being more perfectly his. Secrets would put a wall up between my Master and myself...and I do not want walls. His lessons are not always ones I would seek on my own, but they are lessons he has decided I need, and so I learn from him.
My soul is his, as bare to his touch as ever my skin could be when I kneel naked at his feet. Never a moment goes by when I do not feel his presence, be he miles away or standing over me. If I were to ever displease him, his displeasure would be a blow to my soul, worse punishment than any lashes could be. The anguish of my soul that I feel when I disappoint him is harder to bear than the physical anguish I feel when his belt caresses me with fire.
I spend my days knowing that the energy and thought he puts into our relationship is as much for my benefit as for his, and look forward to each lovingly crafted scene that we do together. His part is much harder than mine, and I know this and am grateful that he cares enough about me to spend his time and energy so freely on me. I have the easier job: to feel, to experience, to let myself go and abandon everything to him. I am his pleasure and his responsibility, and he takes both seriously.
I am a submissive woman. I am proud to call myself that. My submission is a gift that I do not give lightly, and can only be given to one who can appreciate that gift and return it tenfold. Only to he who has that strength will I give myself fully, because I am strong and proud. I am a submissive woman."
~Author Unknown
...
MISSING SISTER
I thought of you, again, my sweet friend.
There is a burn pile in the backyard and it gets lit once a week. It was lit last night.
As I watched the flames eat away at the debris, I was reminded of you... I think it may have been the way the red hot embers flitted upwards, dancing atop the hot current, glowing against the blackest of skies. It might have been the way the fire captured my attention, blinding me to the full yellow moon. But it was probably the way I kept picturing us dancing around the fire, laughing, chanting, relishing the night air, worshipping by the fire's light. Yes, that was it... Us circling the pyre, laughing and singing.
Maybe one day we will dance like that. Until then, I will think of you at every burning.
Blessed be, my Love!
...
YOU MAKE ME RHYME
You seem to make me rhyme
almost all of the time
in every conversation
and in private relation
the words just won't stop
not even when a cop
popped me for speeding
Soon he was pleading
He'd tear up my ticket
If only I'd quit it
...
WHAT IS IN A NAME?
If ever I happen upon a stranger with your same name, I think I should adore him instantly and keep his company for as long as he would have mine.
But this is only the beginning of how I regard your name. If you would suffer me, sit a spell and I will tell further how deeply I admire it.
Ah, first, I must untangle myself from its letters, for I get lost in the folds and soft turns of its form. It's height and length provoke me. Long strokes and enticing curves, but not to suggest feminine... No, your name an ever phallyc symbol, as strong and sinewy as its Master.
These are merely letters, but they arouse me. More than clerically too for, indeed, I feel a naughty librarian resides within me to study your name so closely and think it sensual... It begins fiercely, a victorious battle cry at dawn, and follows through to a satisfying conclusion that, like your sex, cannot be ignored or denied.
Let me evince how I notice its perfect grammar:
There is not a letter repeated, not one among them that will be made to be silent; each letter a sentinel. There is not an adequate abbreviation; lest it be shortened. I would not abide its shortening.
No, your name is complete and commanding.
Oftentimes, I fancy it a caress as it escapes my lips. I light myself by musing quietly over your name, considering it at length.
And, lastly, I will risk my pride and privacy to share this with you (though you may well have guessed at this part, having your inherent knowledge of a beast's mind - basic, primitive): I will confess that I have screamed your name in the night. During the witching hour, when moon calls and sleep evades. Visions of you taunt me precipitously... So I succumb to sweet, tangible release. It is in these instances that your name can be heard as a gutteral moan, somehow sounding both satiated and desperate at once.
Yes, I dare say I like your name.
...
MY ONLY TEMPTATION
There is chocolate
There is wine
I can resist at anytime
There is lying
There is stealing
I avoid the guilty feelings
There is squander
There is wasting
Neither really worth a tasting
Then there is You...
There is discipline
There is training
Saving myself without complaining
There is patience
There is strength
For Master, I travel a length
There is gratification
There is masterbation
Physical love holds no temptation
Then there is You...
There is ice
There is stillness
But with You, only fullness
There is lust
There is desire
Your words heat my cold fire
There is fever
There is flame
I've done nothing, feel no shame
But then, there is You.
...
I LOVE TO MASTERBATE (Explicit )
My lustful thoughts are hard wired to my pussy
I continually ache with the heat from inside
The wetness is always there
Promising entry and satisfaction
But my cunt is so tight, only two fingers are in
I'm so frenzied now, and I don't want to fight it
I can almost feel the cock inside me, shooting hot cum
My pussy spasm, like a shock wave, electric and pulsing
Hammering down and locking my hand in place
A pained cry now released from my lips
As I caress my swollen clit to calm
It is the fourth time tonight I have pleasured myself
It is not premeditated, just a result of my thoughts
The fantasies that ghost through my head all day
Causing me to linger on myself all night
Setting my body to ache, again and again
It distracts me from work and makes me almost unbearably horny
On the rare occasion when a fantasy won't entertain
I have my raunchy pornos, I'll pick one from my collection
And those days when I call in sick to work
To spend the day fucking myself with toys on the living room floor
I like watching the pretty girls kiss, then get slammed with thick dicks
My favorite, however, is the secretary accommodating her Boss and his out-of-town guest in the conference room
Talk about tight, and oh so naughty
(And there goes my pussy again - craving cock)
I love to masterbate
It is how I wake-up
And how I go to sleep
Often I will start awake, with my fingers still fast
Against the right side of my clit (my right)
Automatically, I massage myself into another frenzy
I am always wet
I always want to fuck
To say that I love to masterbate is not a confession
To reveal that I have been abstinate for four years is
There may yet be more years before I allow myself
The pleasure of another's company while I touch myself
Meanwhile, each orgasm I enjoy tightens my pussy further
What a pleasure it will be for that man finally allowed to fuck me
To feel the heat, the wet kiss of my cunt on his cock
There is something I love more than masterbating
Sucking dick
But I will save that tale for later
(And there goes my pussy again)
...
...
I AM APPARENTLY A TOREDOR... I HAD NO IDEA...
Artistic and maybe even a bit shallow, you belong to the clan of the Toredor. You have a keen eye for pretty things. The embrace is looked on as perserving all beautiful things for eternity. You are the sensual vampires that you hear people talk about that seduce to get what they want. This clan is the one thought of as being the spoiled sort who want to get what they want. However, you usually work right under the ventrue clan as they try to carry out their plans.
MISSING HER
Even all the way in Pennsylvania, the sweet vibrations of her giggle gently tickle at my lashes and make tears in my eyes. How I long to hold her, smell her hair, touch her cheek...
...
“HOW MUCH I LOVE MY ‘BOSS LADY’”
She is mine…
Only I know her tides
Only I am allowed to walk in her wake
She is mine…
Only I know her schedule
Only I am allowed to set her to trial
She is mine…
Only I know her preference
Only I create her hearing binder
She is mine…
Only I know her conviction
Only I am the source of all her evidence
She is mine…
Only I truly love her soul
Only I am the one, leaving her alone.
She is mine…
Only she may never know
Only I am the one, who never really showed…
That she is mine.
...
AT THE VERY LEAST:
I wear open-toe shoes,
4” heels, at least
I wear pencil skirts
slits in the back, at least
I prepare my tresses in an
attractive disarray, at least
I wear a fragrant scent,
all around my air, at least
I ensure smooth skin,
And soft kisses, at least
You can feel my tongue
Against your skin, at least
You can feel my knees
against your cheek, at least
I can fulfill your fantasies,
On this very night, at least
...
AYLA, MY DAUGHTER:
I just spoke to an angel... on my cell.
Her voice was so sweet,
and tender.
How soft her giggle,
and sincere her thought.
How I love this Angel.
I am not worthy.
Yet, somehow,
she loves me still...
More than ever I deserve.
If I do nothing
but hatefilled disdain
to the Masses
of this ridiculous world,
At least I bore Her...
the Goddess of Light,
of Mystery, and of Faith.
How precious her consciousness is...
Her existence alone will balance
the knowledge of all evil
for three million centuries.
And this I truly believe... for I believe in Her
...
SEVEN YEARS REIGN
I am on my own
I seek no one to fulfill any task on my behalf
I carry all of my groceries, up the stairs, in one shot
I carry my own trash to the garbage can on my way to
my car every morning before work, at 6:45 a.m.
And I work only after I deliver my child safely to school
I cook all the meals
I wash all the dishes
I launder all of the clothes, household effects
I vacuum and mop the floors, dust the furniture
I go to school, to become better, proficient
I excel at my career
I win coveted awards
I have enemies from inside my own company
I face those enemies, everyday
I smile knowingly at their fakeness
I rejoice in their jealousies, how green they are
I have ambitions, aspirations, financial desires
Everyday of my life is a race to the finish line
And I must always finish in first place
I have given speeches to educate and, Goddess willing, inspire hope
I earn the money that provides the home, groceries, health insurance,
car insurance, car, gas, electric, clothes, shoes, art classes
cable, internet, a cell phone
I provide that too
I rule this house, with a wicked grasp
I am in tight control, at all times
I am the Mistress of this Castle
Ruler of my Kingdom
Protector of this Realm
As Mistress, I sit on my throne, overseeing
A constant, unfailing, unforgiving vigil
I see all: the beauty, the life, all of it under my control
I must protect it
I must protect it for her, my Princess
Her existence is the purpose behind the universe entirely
And so now I am a teacher
Showing my Princess to endure, to remain graceful,
Maintain integrity, use wisdom, pass fair judgment
Laugh in the face of scrutiny and ridicule,
Relish in our distinction, our elegant mystery
Be proud of all that makes us different, makes us royalty
Refuse intolerance, enforce swift and educated justice
Death, violence, sadness, mistakes
These too are a part of our Realm
So my castle walls are high, impenetrable, insurmountable
Distrust and biting sarcasm - my bows and arrows
Natural defense mechanisms keeping us unreachable
Unaffected by the common world
High on this perch, my regal family ever protected
By my personality, my inept social prowess
Cutting cynicism, a boiling acid serving as a mote spreading across and out
My tireless tenacity, stubborn pride and independent attitude,
Discouraging solicitors, all of them taken for fools
For how can there be any left worthy of trust
Worthy of Us
Worthy of Me
Yes, I see all with my infinite eyes
I see the throne next to me
Empty
The vibrant fabric faded only by dust and disuse
I have reigned over this Kingdom for so long
Alone
Never asking for help, never seeming as if I need it
Offering diplomatically vague responses to probing questions
Questions made by the inattentive and droll species that has become known as “Man”
What is this Realm that I protect
Endless abandoned fields, wasted by drought and weathered by wind
Where once fertile grasslands stretched beyond the beyond
Now only frozen dirt, turn frigid without sun, or attention
My glaring presence, ever warning, ever threatening
Not even the sun will look down upon my land
For fear of my scowling face
There is no sun in my Kingdom
As there is none shining in my heart
Cold calculated control, hard and steely gray as the skies surrounding my castle
Causing my Princess tears of longing for frolic, for light
For freedom
Only her pain, her need…
Only she…
Could bring me to my knees.
Make me admit my weakness, my vulnerabilities…
If I had any.
And what of my longings
What would this Mistress want
I am a ruler, I am a mother, I am a world leader
I am always and at all times
A Woman
I fulfill all roles for which I am obliged
But is there a role yet uncast
A duty left undone
The thrashing, gnashing, gnawing nothingness of loneliness
I am reminded of the lack, constantly
The smooth skin of my leg finding only cold sheets of a king-sized bed
Fit only for a Queen, and her king-sized ego
The shapes of silk-covered pillows, not a star-clad lover
Cries of pleasure come from only one set of lips
My lips
Alone in the night
Is there one left that is brave enough to cross my mote,
Brazen enough to bath in my wake, my tumultuous waters
Coax the drawbridge, with it’s rusting chains groaning in protest
Walk through my gate, stand in my courtyard
Saunter among my Advisors
Is there one out there
A kingdomless King
A traveling monarch
An honorable Man, with strength of leadership
Wisdom of silence
Could there be a brilliant vagabond Ruler
Alert and searching
For Us
For Me
Does he dream as I do, of the moment we meet
Finally
At last
Feeling the spark, the strange and wonderful pull,
Powerless against the knowledge, as binding as gravity
And, in private, trade propriety and shyness for wild abandon and lust
Alas…
I have no King.
No Warrior to fend off mine enemy
No one to command my respect, steal my attention
I have yet met a Man, a real Man
Not with verbal arrogance, but froth with quiet confidence
With strong lips, and yet stronger hands
To grab and tear
At my hair, my clothes
My desire
My resolve
...
THE FOLLOWING ARE DAILY MUSINGS. EACH OF THE BELOW ENTRIES ARE WRITTEN ON DIFFERENT DAYS, AND IN DIFFERENT MIND-SETS... ENJOY.
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To accustom. To take nourishment other than by suckling. To detach from that to which one is strongly habituated or devoted. To accustom to something from an early stage. This is the meaning of “weaning”. I am weaning myself from California, and the only life I have ever known. I must suckle no longer. But what of those who need to be “weaned” from me? How to ease their commutation? Tell me how, friend: I will most assuredly do it.
...
Sweet slumber, I haunt thee. Pull your dark cloak over my eyes, block my vision and keep my mind from wandering down the misguided path of self-destructive thought. Bring me numbing blindness where I can escape within my ecstatic subconscious. Show me a circus of wicked joy, hide the inevitable chaos that welcomes me... with the harsh dawn. DON'T MAKE ME TAKE THE FRIGGIN' VALIUM TO GET THERE EITHER!!!!!
...
Is there a pill for what ails me? Is there a medicine to relieve the endless pain of my working mind? Does a cure exist for a disease that cannot be named? If so, make mine a double, Doc! Put it under my tongue, or force it through my vein. Or, better, plug it straight into my frontal lobe... so I can feel it worm itself through my head, healing. Yes, straight into my head, to the heart of the tumor, stabbing the black mass of useless thought. Let the needle deliver sweet numbness to the vicious circle of planning and debate. I would gladly O.D.
...
Hell's tender flames licking their way through my conscience... An inferno of wicked desire, suggesting vengeance. Justified horror, or total madness? How to quiet the insane murmurs, the disembodied thoughts of insanity... Or are they too much a part of my mind? Mingled in the grey matter, like twisting pulsing fingers: searching, feeling, finding. Heeheehee. (I rather like being crazy, thank you very much).
...
And who here has the courage to face the unknown... the audacity to question the established authority... the will to dominate their own future... Who I ask??!! "I" says me. I will thrust myself onto the new scene... I will stand, and be counted... I will endure, and inspire. You, world, will hear my words, and know my mind. And you, world, will be amazed.
...
What's this?... A light-hearted mood? How strange it is to feel good, almost positive. A sweet smile, a tender gesture. A nod at a stranger. A hand for a friend. A fleeting thing, this joy. A precious universe in itself, where all is right. Like early morning dew suspended on a blade of grass, as yet undisturbed by the coming day. Fresh, and clear. How strange indeed.
...
Guilt. Like that stain that won't lift from the carpet: once it's set, it lightens only slightly with the hardest of scrubbing. Ever present. As red and painful as Anger can be, Guilt is a far more controlling emotion, black and oppressing, dominating. Like heavy loam, you cannot see through it... It leaves a sticky, smelly mist on your skin. Guilt is a rotting mildew. Luckily, there is bleach coursing through my veins. Use my acid blood to rid me of the corrosion. Guilt will not decay me.
...
Funny how only two little letters separate the obvious from the oblivious... Just sayin'.
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I have avoided drafting anything specific in my profile until now. I am a very private person, rarely answer my door to strangers. Our home is our sanctuary and we never have an uninvited guest. The Census Bureau came to my door the other day, so now the local gov't thinks that a family of 15 Polynesian Eskimos live in my 2-bedroom apartment. Nice.
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"I do what I do and you do what you can do about it". -D.Carter
You page and poems are beautiful to read, i mean wow, I could easily spend hours reading your writings, just thought is say thanks for posting them, its truly magik and captivating to read
